Grappling With Ghouls: Official WWE Zombie Survival Guide

The WWE Universe has been swallowed whole by a zombie plague. In a chaotic realm of brainbusters and brain-lusters, these survival stratagems will help you endure WWE’s undead Superstars and keep you from becoming goulash for the ghoulish.

#1:

By standard George A. Romero zombie lore, the only way to stop one of the reanimated cadavers is to deactivate its brain. Thus, when combating WWE’s undead, employ an arsenal of head-focused moves to thwart the pesky nibbling of flesh-starved Superstars. Hint: Sweet Chin Music-Pedigree-Spear.

#2:

When facing a WWE Zombie, steer well clear of match types that, by nature, may lock you in a precarious, susceptible position among the living dead. No Strap or Casket Matches. We recommend a steel cage encounter, but warn that it could go either way: The 15-foot structure blocking out roving hordes, OR, on the other hand, you confined within the steel entrapment amid the plagued.

#3:

We get it. You’re a huge WWE Superstar. Nonetheless, it’s in your best interest to lay low. Make due without the fiery, colorful pyrotechnics displays upon your arrival into an arena…or emptied supermarket, or wherever you travel in a collapsed, post-apocalyptic society. Just say “no” to ballyhoo. If even one of the WWE Zombie breed detects you, it’s hearing the dinner bell. And you can bet their flesh-eating friends will follow.

#4:

Do not allow yourself to be blinded by the belief that these risen creatures are the same beings they were prior to their expiration. That staggering corpse is not your one-time friend, favorite Superstar or former tag team partner. It’s a WWE Zombie and it’s not reaching for the tag—it’s reaching for your gullet. Grapple your emotions and allow instinct to drive. Destroy on sign.

#5:

In the realm of reanimated Superstars, championships aren’t just a symbolic token of victory, but—for the resourceful few—a durable device of protection. Solid gold and rugged leather can be used to deflect and withstand a WWE Zombie strike. Therefore, rather than courageously defending your WWE Championship, consider allowing your WWE Championship to defend YOU.

#6:

Standard military tactics certainly apply when it comes to an army of the undead. If you must engage the enemy, take position at higher ground. Whether it’s the top turnbuckle or the TitanTron, elevated terrain will keep WWE Zombies struggling and clawing to reach your toes and offer wide range of vision. It’ll also make the decomposing cretins easy pickins’ for attacks from above—as long as it’s not a flying dropkick or Shooting Star Press. Always think high-ground, not high-risk maneuvers.

#7:

In the world of WWE’s walking dead, consider each day a No Disqualification Match. Count-outs and disqualifications may save your title, but not your hide, among the infected. Bobby Heenan—commonly known as “the Brain” (yes, zombie irony)—often recited mantra, “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.” Farooq employed the “by any means necessary” technique. Bottom line: Fight tooth and nail, disregard rules, and do anything/everything in your power to survive.

#8:

Roll with Samoans. If there’s anything to be learned by watching The Headshrinkers, Haku and especially Afa & Sika, it’s that Superstars from the isle of Samoa seem to have impervious cranial regions. For whatever reason, these headbutt-resistant islanders wield hard, durable skulls, which make them the closest to immune from brain-lusting WWE Zombie bites.

#9:

The clothes might not make the man, but they can certainly help keep them alive. Ideally, you should conceal and protect as much flesh as possible, so strongly consider ditching short tights or singlets in lieu of full body furnishings. However, be sure your ring gear facilitates maneuverability: avoid elaborate ornamentation such as excessive bling or tangle-prone “Warriors fringe” bands.

#10:

Since you’ll be bobbing and weaving your way through droves of necrotic devourers, above all else, conditioning is key. Opportunely exhausting grounds for training include the Royal Rumble and WWE Iron Man Match. But no matter how fit and well trained, do not EVER challenge an undead WWE demon to a match at WrestleMania. As repeatedly proven with the streak-sustaining Undertaker, the odds are exponentially against you.